Noel's New Family

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

John 15:13

When I saw that Noel had been found by a new family I wasn't sure how to feel. Normally a moment of celebration, yet in this situation the prayer of my heart was for her first adoptive family to keep her.

Still I'm glad that this young lady will have a home and family who will love her. 

Noel is one of a number of children who are adopted by a family and then later re-adopted by another family. 

Now I am no judge of these families who choose to give their adopted child up for adoption, but every time I read another story of this happening my heart is grieved. For me it feels like when a couple you know decides to get a divorce. 

Whether the reasons or circumstances are understood or not, you know that the outcome is always pain. You can't commit your heart to someone and then take it back without loosing a piece of it.

Why?

You may wonder why this sort of thing happens. Well I'm certainly no expert, but I think a lot of families find themselves in very challenging situations with their newly adopted child that they never expected or planned for.

Here are two of the biggest issues that I've seen when looking over "second chance" adoptive children.

Adopting out of Birth order:

Some families have adopted children out of birth order and have been very successful, but there are some things to consider when you're looking into adopting a child out of birth order.

What are the current dynamics of the children I already have?

Is there a very distinct eldest or leader? 

Will adopting a child older than this one work?

What if the 13 year old we adopt has the maturity level of a 7 year old?

Typically an adopted child is not at the development or maturity level that you would expect from a child of their age. So you need to consider this. Your 10 year old might end up seeming much older than your 13 year old. 

What if our new older child is harsh or aggressive to our younger children? 

Children who have grown up in orphanages and even foster homes, learn two things. How to take care of themselves and it's every man for himself. Loving and sharing are not typically characteristics they come with. Now this doesn't mean they can't learn these things and work through their behaviors, but as a parent are you prepared for how you may handle this in the mean time? 

Will you be able to separate the children at times when you can't keep an eye on them all together? 

Are my younger children able or comfortable enough to tell me if they are being treated poorly? 

Now all these questions aren't to say that your adopted child will be an immature monster, they may be a natural loving and nurturing caregiver. But it's unfair to expect this new child who has possibly been, institutionalized, abused, and neglected, to act like a child who has been loved by a family. That's what you're for. There's a wonderful little girl or boy inside that crusty shell it just may take time to crack them out.

Medical Needs:

When adopting a child with special needs, do your homework. When a child's file says they have a certain need, research and educate yourself about the full spectrum of that need. Then ask yourself, am I prepared to care for this child if their need is more sever than the file suggests?

What if you're looking at a little girls file that says she is visually impaired are you prepared to adopt a child who may end up being legally blind?

What if you're looking at a child who has spina bifida, have you educated yourself about what it would be like to care for a child who has incontinence? Or may need a wheel chair?

What about the little boy whose file says he has epilepsy but he hasn't had a seizure in three years. What if he starts having seizures after you bring him home. Have you researched possible doctors in the area who will be able to help you diagnose and treat his problem? 

You don't need to fear medical needs, but it's unfair to this child to not be prepared to care for them if their need should turn out to be more severe than their file suggested or you expected. 

Conclusion:

Orphaned children are people, not cute little puppies we go and rescue. They're living human beings who have lived a life apart from you. Their in the situation they are in, at no fault of their own, but because something bad happened to them. They may have been abandon, neglected, abused physically, emotionally, or sexually. They may have suffered the death or incarceration of a parent. They may have witnessed, drug abuse, alcoholism, or violence. They may not have been receiving treatments, surgery, or therapy for their medical condition. They may not have had the chance to go to school or learn how to care for their daily needs. They may have never been shown love, been hugged, or disciplined. They may have no idea what a family is or least what a family should be.

These children don't need super-human parents, they just need parents who are going in with their eyes wide open, who have prepared for the worst, while they hope for the best. They need parents who can see past the fault to the need and who will just keep meeting that need.

Ask for help:

Whether you're getting ready to adopt or already have, know that you're not alone. If your child is struggling and you don't know what to do, don't feel it's your fault. Remember, you're a great parent, you just inherited someone else's mess. If you'd started with this child from day one you'd have done things VERY different, but instead you're jumping into this child's life somewhere in the middle and you may need some help sorting it out. Seek out your adoption agency, social worker, or other adoptive families for advice and resources.

And I know, all the other adoptive families at church and on Facebook look like they have no issues like you have, but trust me, THEY'VE HAD ISSUES! We just don't go around talking about them. 

Once I posted pictures from a family birthday party on my blog. Everyone looked happy enough, yet little did my blog followers know, there was an hour break between presents and cake for a double child melt down. 

Adoption is hard and it's messy, but it's worth the price you pay. That child's life, their freedom, their salvation, is worth what it will cost you.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Mark 10:9